A selfie is a controlled environment. You hold the power to look your absolute best when taking a selfie. You can manipulate the camera to only see the very best parts of you, while the parts that you’ve labeled as unworthy to be seen are hidden from the world, hidden from yourself and in that, you don’t have to live in the reality that is your body.
This post is going to be much longer than the ones that will follow it for this series. This is the introduction post, so i apologize for it’s length and appreciate those who read it all the way through. But no fears, they won’t be this lengthy and in the future will be filled with videos, photos, and more…
And with a giant sigh and tears in my eyes…we begin the journey.
I think I’m getting emotional just starting this post because this is SO emotional for me. I am ashamed in a lot of ways, embarrassed, and it’s pushing me to be brave. I have talked about my weight before but this feels so different. It’s not just about raising my fist in the air and declaring BODY POSITIVITY, this is me letting you in…deep within my heart and my life, my insecurities, my weaknesses…and it’s scary.
But I believe God has lovingly and with His Fatherly hands pushed me forward on this road of talking about this journey openly. I want to be bold and I am MORE THAN TIRED of letting my emotional and physical weight be a hinderance in my life. I cannot walk in true freedom until I tackle this and shed the chains of my past, my mistakes, my bad habits, etc.
Before we start, let me say that this series is NOT about changing the way I take photos. The camera loves me, it’s true, and I enjoy taking photos showcasing fashion, make-up, etc. That’s not going to change. It’s what goes on behind the selfies that we’re talking about. The heart issues. It’s NOT going to be all about weight loss. I have 80 lbs. I want to lose but that’s not going to be the primary focus. I want this to be a journey to freedom and that’s going to encompass a lot of things.
I am in a REALLY good place in my life. As a wife, mom, and career woman…I am thriving. I’m truly happier than I’ve been in a so long BUT there’s this weight I carry, emotionally and physically and it’s time to do something about it….
Here I am in my comfort.
…and here is my beautiful reality.
I was at school with my daughter, in her drama class, and my sweet friend Mandy captured a precious moment where I was helping my little 5 year old do a little performance for her classmates.
I saw this photo and cringed. All my Mc.Donalds belly showing for the world to see and it took away from me appreciating this lovely moment between my baby girl and I. I couldn’t see past my fat. Seeing this photo, I felt ashamed.
I still feel ashamed that thats the first thing I noticed and thought about when I saw this photo. I focused in on me and all my flaws: My huge arms (I carry SO much weight there), my stomach, my thighs…ugh. ALL things I never want anyone to see. Thank goodness you can’t see my chins. 😉
THE BEGINNING OF THE JOURNEY IS TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF WHAT IS.
Even though I want to live in a selfie world, where you don’t see my chunky arms and where the camera angle hides my fat cheeks and face, I can never heal if I don’t truly look at myself and accept where I’m starting from.
I weighed in this morning at 230 lbs. (229.4)
I am 5’4. I have ALWAYS been curvy and so my goal is to be 150 lbs. That’s a realistic and good weight for my body type. In 10 years, the smallest I’ve been is 184 lbs.
I put on 30+ lbs. this past year…the year coming out of my husbands and my separation. I want to smack myself around a little for that. WHY do I do this yo-yo weight thing? Instead of dealing with my emotions, I eat them.
There’s a good handful of things I can’t open up about here that I carry with me, painful things. But I do want to acknowledge a few things that I know have contributed to my recent weight gain and weight issues.
2015 + 2016 were terrible years for us (terrible doesn’t even describe it)…Amongst other hardships, my husband and I went through a horrible separation (just a court date away from a divorce). We then decided to surrender our marriage back to God, we moved to a new state, started over, went through long months of me struggling to let go of my past, and just when things start getting so much better this summer, I got pregnant and we lost that baby. My 3rd miscarriage. This one after 4 years of trying to get pregnant with no luck. It was more than heartbreaking.
…and I eat.
I was talking to my best friend last week and she knows how severely I do not deal with pain and we’re on Facetime and I just start crying to her and I remember saying “I don’t know how to truly feel the loses in my life.” and it’s true. I’m still grieving in ways over my parents divorce, really tough things that happened in 2015-2016, my oldest daughters multiple misdiagnosis’s and her surgeries, mommy guilt, marriage guilt, sin guilt…there’s so much there and so much I haven’t dealt with. I just push the pain and the frustrations down deep.
…and I eat.
SO WE LOOK IN THE MIRROR, not just at our reflection but look into the inside of ourselves and get truthful.
I struggle in this area.
But I don’t have to keep struggling.
I am starting this journey, coming out as a fatty and admitting that I am a woman who has some really bad habits.
One of the first things we have to do before we start the journey, after we come face to face with our reality, is we must forgive ourselves.
If you’re taking the journey with me:
1. Accept What Is.
2. Forgive Yourself.
Taking these first two steps frees you from the fears of facing your reality. You live in the body of TODAY. We need to accept our bodies because we can’t snap* and change them, it takes time…So, accept yourself. Secondly, Forgive yourself for your past. The bad choices, the way you’ve treated your body, the way you haven’t taken care of your precious heart, the bad habits you’ve created…
Ask God to forgive you if you need to. Forgiveness is the key to freedom. God does not hold you to your past once He has forgiven it. You can’t live in regret and guilt. It’ll destroy you. We must practice living in grace and in God’s truth. He loves you and wants you to experience an abundant life. (JN10:10) I’m going through this right now…it’s not easy. I am so mad at myself for different things but I have given it all to God and it’s time to let go of my fears, regret, guilt, and shame.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS SERIES?
I think this is going to be healing for a lot of people. Sometimes you just need someone to take a few steps in front of you to feel brave enough to start your own journey. I hope this is encouraging and inspiring to others. Not even just about weight loss and gaining freedom + confidence, but about making bold leaps to live the life that God wants for you…growing into the person you dream of being.
See y’all next Sunday for the first post of the series.