Hello Sweet Friends.
I’ve spent the last few days cleaning up my website and archiving a lot of old devotions. They’re still available if anyone wants access to any specific topic. Just send me a DM.
This year has been so life changing.
I’d love to tell you all about the work God’s done in my marriage and in my family but for this specific post, I’m going to be a little self-centered and share with you how God’s grown me as a woman.
This year started off heavily in heartache. I was still recovering from the time I was separated, not only from my husband but from God. I turned my back on my Savior and ended up dating a man I barely knew, publicly, during my husband’s and my separation. That choice led to the kind of consequences and heartbreak that isn’t so easy to come back from. Regret is not kind. Grace comes swiftly and even though I decided to give my marriage another shot and allow my heart to soften again to Jesus, I was still barely holding on to the ledge. Beneath me was that darkness that pulled at my very fragile and flawed heart strings. It wasn’t until sometime in early February that I really started to breathe in God’s peace over my life, over my past heartaches. I found the healing and closure I needed to continue moving forward.
I was doing awesome!
And then May hit.
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. After giving birth to two beautiful daughters, going through 2 miscarriages, and trying for 4 years (with no success) to get pregnant again, I found out we were expecting a new baby! It really felt like a miracle.
It was a whirlwind of emotions for sure and then on May 25th one of my best friends gets my tearful and pained phone call with the news. I didn’t even have the strength to tell my husband first that I was bleeding. I knew I was losing the baby. Another miscarriage. Another baby I will never hold here in this life. Another traumatizing physical and emotional experience to go through. Another baby to name that no one, outside of my little circle, would ever recognize as my child. It was heartbreak all over again. A different kind, harder than anything I’d experienced the year before, but still…pain.
I cannot explain this. It still makes little sense to me when I really spend time reflecting on it all but losing our little Magnolia lit a spark in me. I just felt this intense peace wash over me, heavily, and a fire in the depths of my spirit started to burn. I had this incredible feeling of no longer wanting to just coast through my life. I couldn’t save my little baby. She was gone but I knew I still needed saving in my heart. I was still just coasting, living in a lot of regret and a lot of anger. I felt like losing Magnolia was a wake up call. I owed it to my living children to be the mom they really needed, not a zombie version. I owed it to my husband to be the wife, helper, teammate that I committed to being 9 years ago. I owed it to myself.
Again, I cannot explain this but it’s what I felt and it’s what happened.
I had no idea what to do or where to go with this spark but I didn’t waste any time.
After prayer, I left the women’s ministry that I started with two of my close girlfriends and told God that I was ready to do whatever He had in store for me. And I waited.
To make this story shorter, a month or so after losing Magnolia, I was offered the position of Social Media Director for Serious Writer. I will be teaching social media courses for Christian authors/writers and getting to do some traveling for it. My husband and I decided to take control of our lives and moved into a smaller place, deciding to take on simplicity and wow has God uprooted our lives and changed a lot of things. New home, new jobs, new commitments, new desires, new passion. My girlfriends have come around me in such an incredible way and are keeping me so accountable that it brings tears to my eyes. A second book is in the works, I’m getting healthy, and I have an incredible gratitude for how God has cleansed me and changed my perspective on living.
My girlfriends at church bought me a necklace with a Magnolia flower on it and an angel wing, I wear it as often as I can and it really is my reminder to truly live my life to the full.
John 10:10 became my life verse.
The price has been paid and you have full permission to REALLY LIVE!!! That’s what my Magnolia gave me. She gave me life again and I cannot wait to hug her in Heaven and thank her for that gift. I’ll continue to ache and miss her until that day comes but I know my baby squad is rooting for me in our eternal kingdom. I want to make them and mostly my Lord proud.
So, all that to say that you never know what God has in store for you right around the corner. He has radically changed my life and my heart. From pain came healing and from healing NEW LIFE. I’m still growing into the woman I want to become. I still have a lot of obstacles to tackle. It’s a daily choice to choose Jesus and choose the abundant life He died for but I’m going for it!
That’s what this website, my instagram, my heart…that’s what it’s all about. I hope you stay with me for the journey.
SHE LIVES VINTAGE.
God NEVER goes out of style. 😉